What I want right now is a mystical experience. I want some kind of direction, some kind of instruction, some kind of message from God.
Jeff’s post on why he is blogging has me incredibly jealous.
I feel like I am floundering, awash and castaway with my intellect and emotion and intuition all at odds with each other, all telling me one thing one minute, and another thing the next minute. I need spiritual direction of osme kind, but on my own I do not seem capable of finding it.
Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’ve been trying to do it on my own now for almost a year and maybe that just isn’t going to work.
I have two problems, though. One, I don;t know how to ask for, seek out, or prompt a mystical experience. At least, not one that is genuinely open to whatever the divine consciousness has in store for me. I know plenty of ways to seek out mystical experiences, but they invariably all involve hidden or overt a priori determinations of what the answer will be. I’m not comfortable with that.
My other problem, a related one, is that I don’t want to fool myself. I know that if I want a mystical experience real real bad, I’ll get one. But it won’t necessarily be the genuine article. It’ll be some well-meaning product of either the process or of my own mind, or worse yet it’ll be some subtle mood swing that I will eagerly read as contact with the divine. I’m not okay with that- with imposing my own expectations and desires on my psyche so hard that “religion” happens.
I want to be moved. I want the kind of experience that sticks with you and makes you say “This is important, this is a big deal, this is for real.”
I want it, but I don’t know how to get it. God (or gods, or Goddess), if you have internet access and you’re reading this, please send me something. I’m getting nowhere on my own.
But to me, the heavens have been closed.