So, I’m probably going to have my name removed from the LDS Church’s records, i.e., formally resign from Mormonism. I’m not ready to do it quite yet, because I have to write a letter first. Not the letter to the Church, but a letter to my family, explaining why I do not think the Church is true, and why I am resigning.
What I am not trying to do with this letter is convince anyone that I’m right. I’m also not expecting anyone to agree with me, or even think that my position is reasonable, defensible, or plausible. While it would be great if that happened, experience tells me that most Mormons are so fully inoculated against “Anti-Mormonism!!!” that it will essentially go in one ear and out the other (or in the eye and out the ears, or out the whatever). If someone surprises me, I’ll be, well, pleasantly surprised. But I’m not going in with optimistic expectations- so far, my family’s reaction to me leaving the Church has been really mixed. Some people have been understanding and supportive, and some people have reacted with hostility. I don’t want to get disappointed, so my expectations are kind of low.
That said, I do have some expectations, some goals that I intend to accomplish with this letter:
1. I want to break the ice. I want to bring the subject up and indicate my willingness to talk about it. I’m not excited about the prospect of future uncomfortable silences, or white elephants in the room, so I’m just going to be the one to start the conversation. If people are interested in talking things through, I’m game, and I want people to know that.
2. If people just hear through the grapevine that I am planning on leaving, they’re probably going to freak out. I’d rather control the information and be the one that tells people.
3. My family is steeped in Mormonism, and many of our relationships are based on the religion and the religion’s assumptions. It would be naïve of me to expect that leaving the Church won’t irrevocably change things. Again, I may as well brace for it, even if it’s uncomfortable.
4. I feel like I at least owe my family an explanation and a fair warning.
When the letter is written and sent out, I will probably post it here.
This is something.
I will lift up a prayer for you tonight and all your LDS family.
Well, I’m sorry to see you go. But, you have to do what you believe.
I hope your family will surprise you. I have a cousin that converted to Catholicism just before marrying her Catholic boyfriend. Her entire family (not just her siblings and parents, but her grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins (that’s me)) all attended her non-Mormon wedding, supported her then and now, and made her new husband feel plenty welcome to the family (and no, we never tried to convert him or make him feel uncomfortable with our crazy Mormon ways… but rather went out of our way to make sure we never made him feel he was thought less of because he was not Mormon and avoided conversation that might make him feel excluded).
Sure, we were troubled by her leaving the church, but last time I checked it was her life and we all understood that. I hope the same for you, that you and your family remain close. Good luck to you!
And, in the back of my head, I hope that you’ll decide to come back someday
Good luck with that Kullervo. Honestly. I have been following your journey for the better part of a year, and applaud your dedication, conversation and research.
I definitely think writing a letter to your loved ones is a wise decision. Hopefully the letter will aid in their understanding of exactly where you are coming from and why you are doing what feels right to you.
I had my name removed, did not mention it to members of my family, and have been the victim of negative and nasty gossip since. To be fair to your situation, my family had 17 years to get over the fact that I was not a member. However, I moved to the same town as a brother, and he had my records transferred from god-knows-where. Kudos’ to the LDS bookkeeping, I have no idea how he found them under all the dust. The weird thing for me was that almost a year after I resigned, my mom informed my sister that I had “un-sealed” myself from their family. The family-sealing thing never really occurred to me. It might have if I ever was a TBM, but that portion of it never even crossed my mind. In retrospect, I wish I had been upfront with them. And unfortunately, since we are barely on speaking terms, they view the un-sealing portion as spite on my part, when in all actuality; it was a by-product of a very personal decision, which had absolutely nothing to do with them.
I spent the first 17 years of my life as an LDS, although I never really had a *testimony*. It was more of having to go through the motions because I had no choice. I spent the next 15 years pretty much agnostic, and have only really started exploring organized religion within the last 2 years. Yea yea, rub it in; I just turned 35 – ugh!
I actually got drawn into mainstream Christianity while I was doing historical research on Mormons. This journey had me 1st – freaking about the LDS and their beliefs, to 2nd – really hating them for their *blind ignorance* of the facts, to 3rd – absolutely enjoying them and their values and commitment to my community. The kicker is, I was baptized last year in a non-denominational Christian church, and after a few months I started to realize that those who had fellowshipped me into mainstream Christianity were no better than the LDS in their beliefs that they are right and the other was wrong. There are so many sides to every ones beliefs, and fighting about who is right or wrong, who is going to hell and who isn’t, well that is really not healthy. At least for me. After my conversion to Christianity I heard (and still do) arguments against the LDS that could also be applicable to any other faith. It’s really kinda destroyed my faith all over again. “We push them out into what?” Exactly. By arguing so fervently against one, the argument is made just as well for the other. Sigh.
I do believe in a higher power. And I do believe that Jesus, Muhammad and Buddha were men with inspirational messages which should be emulated. I strive to be a good, a charitable, and a happy person, and I strive to raise my child to the best of my abilities. Am I a better person then I was 1-2 years ago? Absolutely. I have worked diligently to improve myself. Am I going to hell because I am unsure if Jesus is my Savior or not? Nope, I don’t think so. But that’s just my 2 cents.
Like my darling husband so eloquently puts it, “Don’t get caught up in semantics and don’t take sides. Just appreciate humanity and enjoy your life”.
Best of luck with this! I hope it goes better than you expect.
Erik
Kullervo,
I hope your family responds favorably. I really hate hearing stories of families breaking up or having hard feelings toward those who make choices to leave their religion. I will be sending you good vibes from Montana when your letter goes out. Good luck.
Kullvervo, what a difficult thing to do. That takes a lot of courage. I’ll pray for you.
Being my first visit, I spent the better part of the night/morning getting to know you as much as possible through your blog. I stumbled across it doing a search for Mormon splinter groups in my own feeble attempts to reconcile the teachings of my youth with my current damning logic.
After 30some years of LDS for both my wife and myself including missions and temple marriage, we are now on separate spiritual journeys that are similar in that they are gettting increasingly further from traditional LDS beliefs. As we face the reality of where these journeys will go, it has become clear that our membership is completely intertwined with the functioning of both of our extensive traditional LDS families. Making available any portion of a letter to your family discussing your religious choices regarding your relationship with the LDS church will be greatly appreciated; I recognize that it is of a most sensitive and personal nature.
Currently, I struggle with the allowing my children to still go because my oldest is 8 and pressure is mounting for baptism from both the congregation and our families, all with the best intentions, and most disturbingly when using covert rather than open methods.
Thank you and bless you, your wife, your brother, and his wife for approaching this difficult topic logically, spiritually, openly, and without angst.
“So, I’m probably going to have my name removed from the LDS Church’s records, i.e., formally resign from Mormonism”
I didn’t know that was possible.
Sure. They can’t make you stay a member.