What I want right now is a mystical experience. I want some kind of direction, some kind of instruction, some kind of message from God.
Jeff’s post on why he is blogging has me incredibly jealous.
I feel like I am floundering, awash and castaway with my intellect and emotion and intuition all at odds with each other, all telling me one thing one minute, and another thing the next minute. I need spiritual direction of osme kind, but on my own I do not seem capable of finding it.
Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’ve been trying to do it on my own now for almost a year and maybe that just isn’t going to work.
I have two problems, though. One, I don;t know how to ask for, seek out, or prompt a mystical experience. At least, not one that is genuinely open to whatever the divine consciousness has in store for me. I know plenty of ways to seek out mystical experiences, but they invariably all involve hidden or overt a priori determinations of what the answer will be. I’m not comfortable with that.
My other problem, a related one, is that I don’t want to fool myself. I know that if I want a mystical experience real real bad, I’ll get one. But it won’t necessarily be the genuine article. It’ll be some well-meaning product of either the process or of my own mind, or worse yet it’ll be some subtle mood swing that I will eagerly read as contact with the divine. I’m not okay with that- with imposing my own expectations and desires on my psyche so hard that “religion” happens.
I want to be moved. I want the kind of experience that sticks with you and makes you say “This is important, this is a big deal, this is for real.”
I want it, but I don’t know how to get it. God (or gods, or Goddess), if you have internet access and you’re reading this, please send me something. I’m getting nowhere on my own.
But to me, the heavens have been closed.
Sailing to Byzantium 
I just had a bit of inspiration (I think…)
Have you considered working with a spiritual director?
http://www.sdiworld.org/what_is_spiritual_direction2.html
Spiritual directors are people who are specially trained to help people find their path and where *they* need to be going spiritually. It may be absolutely not what you need, I don’t know – but I just had a little voice whispering to me as I was reading this that I ought to suggest it.
I wonder if you have considered the experience of the N.T. where Jesus makes it clear that God doesn’t put on a show to prove Himself. It wouldn’t work anyway. Think if the story of Lazarus and the rich man. The story makes it clear that even if the dead should return, they wouldn’t believe.
In fact, another Lazarus did return from the dead, yet this and all the other miracles convinced no one; they only validated the source of what those who had faith already believed. If they proved anything to the people of the times, it was that Jesus was truly sent by God.
My journey to true belief and salvation was also fraught with a plethora of such obstacles as you seem to have, so I feel a certain empathy. Now, when I look back I consider my intellect to have been my worst enemy. Even now, I have trouble “intellectualizing” every thing to death.
I will ask God to draw you in and teach you. I invite others to join me in that endeaver.
I know exactly how you feel. I desired the same for a very long time. I also know many people who have or had that same desire! I have also seen many of these people desire an experience for so long and hard that they eventually had one (an experience that was unexplainable) that more than likely was simply induced by their own psyche. The human mind is a powerful thing and it is capable of influencing your body and rationale of strange things. I said that to say this. Seek reason and faith! Seek things that are promising and uplifting, things that are everyday gifts from God. From personal experience I have found this a success. Many people asked for signs in the Bible, in myths, etc., but untill they had some foundational beliefs, a sincere promise, or strong faith in something, it (the miraculous experience) was still in vain.
I too have some empathy for you. I don’t know too many people who have “road to Damascus” experiences. But my understanding is that they don’t tend to happen to people who want them.
Set aside an afternoon, go to a nice park or somewhere beautiful, and read Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass” – the 1855 edition. Read the introduction and the entire first poem (now known as “Song of Myself” but originally untitled) in one sitting.
It gave me the most mystical experience I’ve ever experienced. I felt connected to the universe – to nature, to whatever supreme force actually exists, and to humanity.
People in general don’t know that it isn’t THEM who decide to “find God”; it is God who does the beckoning. (John 6:44, if you’re interested) But there’s nothing anyone is going to be able to tell you to satisfy your life-floating manner. Like a stick in the sea, you’re just going where ever the waves take you, brother. You don’t seem to be paddling at all. God does NOT like a luke-warm heart!
What’s going to happen soon is God is going to get your attention in a big way; but you’re NOT gonna like it. Ever get mad? GET MAD! Get some passion going there, express yourself as a man to God. Let Him know YOU WANT HIM. Of course, only if you REALLY DO! Then he may knock your socks off in a joyous, blessed way rather than letting some sort of calamity come into your life to get your attention.
Listen. I’m not some kid; I’ve been around, I’ve been a tough guy. But YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE what wondrous LOVE is in store for you! But quit being wishy-washy. GO OUT THERE AND LOVE SOMEBODY WITHOUT WANTING SOMETHING IN RETURN. Help somebody in DIRE NEED — you won’t have far to look. Love your neighbor, love el elbesino
Adrew: sadly, I am a law student. Afternoons to set aside are few and far between.
You need to let go. Embrace the divine.
You do not eat apples by thinking about them
5. Jesus said, “Know what is in front of your face, and what is hidden from you will be disclosed to you.
For there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. [And there is nothing buried that will not be raised.]”
6. His disciples asked him and said to him, “Do you want us to fast? How should we pray? Should we give to charity? What diet should we observe?”
Jesus said, “Don’t lie, and don’t do what you hate, because all things are disclosed before heaven. After all, there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed, and there is nothing covered up that will remain undisclosed.”
–G of Thomas
Here Christ is saying throw down religion, throw away your preconceptions. Just be, just swim, just fly, and just follow Christ. Christ is the transcendent one
The father and the mother…both and yet neither
Not the sun or the moon, but both. And yet neither.
The quickest way to begin? Prayer, talk to the divine, spend minutes a day TALKING to the divine. Find prayers you enjoy, that speak to you! Or compose your own. Yes TALK TO the divine.
Then find meditation techniques. Something short, there are numerous online, or in books! Start small…do not be afraid
From tiny acorns grow mighty oaks.
“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”
— Israel Regardie
Andrew,
Y’know, it’s remarkable how something works for one person and not another. I have read – and sung – Whitman… and any singer will tell you that singing any complex text takes you into deep engagement with the words, in ways that you rarely get from reading alone. And it did absolutely nothing for me. Nada. Left me cold as a haddock.
Dando,
I don’t know that I can say I didn’t *want* my epiphanies, but I certainly wasn’t looking for them… rather like when I met my wife. I just turned around one day two years later and there she was. 🙂 These things do seem to have a sort of Candid Camera aspect.
[…] at 2:44 pm by Kullervo My wife and I have been talking about my longing for spiritual answers and spiritual experiences, and iot became clear that one of my poblems was that I don’t really make space for God in my […]
Hi Kullervo,
Remember that I said in my blog post that when I first “met” Apollo, I was quite sure he was just part of my subconscious mind. I wasn’t a druid at the time, I wasn’t polytheist — I was generally agnostic, with lots of Zen attitudes towards things. Even after I started leaning towards polytheism, I was sure I couldn’t really be talking to Apollo. After all, in ancient times, people travelled for miles to visit shrines and pay good money to have a priestess talk to Apollo for them. How could Apollo ever deign to speak to me, personally? I was just trying to communicate with my own subconscious, and I was sure that’s what I had acheived.
I only gradually changed my mind about that. But I must admit that I could still simply be deluding myself. I have very little in the way of proof that the Apollo I talk to is the real Apollo; and I certainly have nothing that would stand up in a court of law, or that could be verified with some kind of scientific experiment.
So if you’re jealous because you think I’ve had a bona fide mystical experience that can’t be denied, you can go ahead and stop being jealous! 🙂
Lots of folks here have given some great recommendations, and I don’t think I can top them. But I am going to suggest something perhaps unexpected: check out this short post on Buddhism here. Buddhism is one of the few systems of belief that don’t require you to swallow dogma before you take the first step. If you’re afraid of being fooled, if you’re afraid of being wrong, if Mister Mental Block won’t leave you alone, Buddhism might be the place to start. As Mike explains in the essay, Buddhism doesn’t require you to believe anything before you get going; in fact, the Buddha encourages practitioners not to believe what he says, since that can actually be a hindrance to discovering it for yourself. You simply start your contemplation and practice, and let it unfold.