I was thinking last night about Mormonism, and leaving the Church, and where that leaves me. Specifically, I was weighing what I have gained by leaving against what I have lost be leaving.
I thought about two things in specific.
I have gained freedom. I don’t mean license. I still feel the need to be absolutely faithful to my wife, to treat other people in a loving way, and to, you know, not hurt animals and stuff. I’m also not talking about the little things, like being able to wear normal underwear and drink alcohol if I want to. Those don’t matter ultimately. However, I feel like I have gained two different kinds of freedom:
- Freedom from guilt: no longer do I have to feel guilty about breaking “commandments” that I wouldn’t naturally feel guilty about. I’m not constantly feeling like I’m racking up a spiritual debt over things that only matter because some other person tells me they do. I feel like I am a much healthier person for it, too.
- Intellectual freedom: I can think what I want to. I can decide for myself what I believe, without having to go look it up in Mormon Doctrine or a conference talk or Gospel Principles of the D&C or whatever. If I feel like thinking that norse Mythology is true today, I am free to do so without feeling like I am not being “true to the faith.”
On the other hand, I have lost certainty. As a Mormon, I had a fully fleshed-out system of beliefs ready-made, and I had an abundance of trustworthy authority figures reassuring me that these beliefs were correct. I did not have to wrestle daily with The Big Questions about Life, the Universe, and Everything like the people in Church videos always had to. I knew the answers, and if I didn’t, I either knew where to find them, or else I trusted that those answers were not relevant. I knew where I came from, I knew why I was here, and I knoew where I was going.
That certainty was nice, and I miss it. In many ways, my entire Sailing to Byzantium experience is about having that certainty break apart from under me and my search for the same certainty everywhere, even as I sometimes feel like I have to face up to the fact that that kind of certainty, when you do think you’ve found it, is only ever illusory.
Sailing to Byzantium 
Your last point is very relevant to my experience with being disassociated with the church. When I was a true blue beleiving member, there was no question that didn’t already have an answer, or didn’t need an answer. Now, there are so many questions that seems as though there may never be answered.
Its hard to just give all of that certainty up. However, just regurgitating what others say are answers wasn’t really the answer. All it meant was that you weren’t supposed to think about it. Its almost as if you were given the questions you should be asking, then given answers to those questions in a way that made you feel as though the search was over.
And thats were freedom comes in. Its just the beginning of a journey, but I too feel as though I have the freedom to research questions and come to my own conclusions. I may continue to use ideas I learned from the LDS church in my journey. Heck, at this point thats about all I have. But as time goes on, and I look for those answers in more than one place, I feel that I will be a better person.
Thank you for voicing your thoughts.
Great post, K. I agree with the feelings you describe here. What a change, huh?