Spirituality and Religion

I grew up Mormon, which means I grew up in a Religion.

That’s Religion with a capital R. Religion with observances and commandments and organization and hierarchy and a complete cosmological view. Religion is the only way I know how to relate to the divine, really. I’ve never been that spiritual; I’ve never had what you could call a relationship with the divine.

The extent of my spirituality has been “warm fuzzies” over things I already knew (which may simply be a learned/conditioned pituitary response, thanks Simeon!), but that’s nothing like a relationship with God or God’s presence or anything. I always prayed, but it was more like Finny from A Separate Peace: “always say your prayers in case there turns out to be a God.” I felt good about praying, but it was more of an “I’m satisfied because I consistently pray, so I can check off that box and maybe God will be impressed with my consistency and not damn me for all the other stuff.” Either that or it was invoking the genie in the sky to grant my wishes. Which sometimes worked and sometimes did not, but not consistently enough to be taken seriously as something other than coincidence.

In contrast, my wife has always seemed to have a relationship with God. She wasn’t raised in a religous home, so for her conversion was not a change in policy but an initial introduction. She’s never been too wound up about doctrine or dogma, because her religion has always been one of spirituality. In the forefront is her relationship with God, and other stuff doesn’t matter that much.

I envy her, because I don’t know how to do that.

My brother is also more spiritual. Although he qualifies his experiences and acknowledges that they might very well by psychological, he’s always had a meaningful prayer relationship with God, and has often felt God’s presence and comfort. This is why years of praying about the Mormon gospel were so difficult for him: he had a communicative relationship with God, so why didn;t Godtell him the Book of Mormon was true?

But I digress. He has had spirituality, but I have only ever had religion. So when I leave Mormonism and want to find something to fill the spiritual hole, I go looking for a religion. And I get frustrated and “mad at God” when I find that they all look false to me. What am I supposed to do, then?

Be spiritual? What does that mean? I’m skeptical of it. I’ve never “been spiritual” before. To me, being spiritual has always just been the mental component of being religious. In other words, being spiritual just meant being good and thinking religious thoughts.

The thing is, I just realized this yesterday. I don;t know what to do about it.

Even there- i’m looking for somethign to do about it. I’m looking for religion and religious behavior, but I’ve talked myself out of religion. So I’m left feeling more than a little alone. What does it mean? What am I supposed to do with it? How do I “get spirituality?”

Even if I joined a religion, I would just begin behaving religiously. not the same thing.

I read Donald Miller talk about Christian Spirituality in a nonreligious sense, and it sounds great. I’d like some of that! But I don’t know how to make that happen in my life.

This is why I have been wanting a mystical experience. Something nonreligious, but unequivocably spiritual. Soemthign more tangible that I can use to base spirituality on. but it seems to not be coming.

Maybe my beautiful and sexy wife is right that I’m demanding a lot of God without making rom for him to talk to me. I was meditating for a while, but it is really hard, and it’s tough to make room for it.

I’m not sure about praying. Like I said, I grew up Mormon, which means a view of God that is like a human. Mormon God has a body and takes up physical space and stuff, so when you pray it’s like using a magical telephone to talk to an actual being, like a human but perfect, that can hear and answer the way a person does. Of course, God never seemed ot answer in words when I talked to Him in words, and I’m not sure that makes much sense, if he’s a person with a mouth and ears and all.

My conclusion is merely that spirituality is elusive. I’ve been confusing it with religion. I realize that now, but at the same time it doesn’t help me because if spirituality is not religion, then I don’t think I know what spirituality is.