Mystery Writ Large

I might believe in something yet.  I’ve been reading Brian McLaren’s Finding Faith this week.  It’s good- very conversational, honest, and vulnerable, which seems to be McLaren’s usual style (as a side note, I got the impression from Pastor Matthew that Brian McLaren will be back at Cedar Ridge in the next couple of weeks to speak, and that will be cooler having actually read a book by him now).  anyway, it hasn;t magically transformed me or anything- I don;t know if it’s really that convincing, but at the same time I don;t know if it was meant to convince.  It has gotten me to rething some things, at least to mull them over in my mind, and I actually think that was McLaren’s point.

Anyway; I’m digressing.  I was up late reading the other night, when I started to think about the existence of the Divine.  It’s hard to explain this because it wasn’t a mystical experience per se- it was more of a dawning realization, but not a full realization.  I know that doesn;t make sense.  Maybe it was just an inkling.

Anyway, here it was: there’s something out there.  But it’s somethign so much bigger than we can imagine, something that makes our religions and mythologies and everything we can even imagine look insignificant.  Something that goes far beyond our silly conceptions.  There’s something out there that is Mystery.

I might even call it God.

Anyway, it was more if an inkling than anything else.  That’s all I’ve got.  At the same time, I have raging doubts.  I feel silly for even imagining that there’s a God out there (or right here), because in the end I simply feel skeptical.  Really, Kullervo? 

I don’t really think I want to be an atheist.  But I don’t want to believe in a fairy tale or a  made-up God of wishful thinking either.