So, the fact that I’m not posting much on here isn’t really indicative of a lack of thinking in the religious/spiritual vein. In fact, I’ve been thinking in overdrive, but not coming to any conclusions and not really going anywhere with it. My brother, Racticas (he comments here somewhat infrequently) is now in a Religious Studies masters program, so that’s added an interesting academic element to both of our searches.
I’m not going to church now, but it’s a deliberate thing. I feel like participation in church gives me a kind of uncomfortable vertigo-like feeling. Like the merry-go-round is going awfully fast for someone like me who’s not even sure he wants to be on the playground. I don’t know if that metaphor makes much sense. I feel like participation in church means moving in a direction, whether or not I know I want to be moving in that direction, or indeed moving at all.
In my head I’m going back and forth and around and around: Christianity-Asatru-Agnosticism-Atheism-Paganism-Christmas-Asatru-Christianity-Agnosticism-Frustration-Druidry-Christianity-Frustration-Anger-Christianity-Asatru, and I like Christmas. I don’t really know what to do with any of it. Every religion in the world is repugnant to me for some reason, but so many of them are attractive to me for so many other reasons. At the same time, I just don’t know if I can, or if I am willing to, simply will myself to believe. I find myself yearning for a catalyzing spiritual experience, but they just don’t seem to happen. Indeed, I don’t know if mysticism has ever really happened for me.
In other words, I’m no better off than I was nine months ago. Look at my archives; you’ll see what I mean. I know some of the Christians out there would say that my problem is that I’m trying to connect to a religion instead of connecting to Jesus, but for all practical purposes that still just sounds like gobbledygook. I have yet to figure out what “being in a relationship with Jesus” even means. But I still really like Christmas, and I am hesitant to even consider giving it up, and the religious significance in particular.
Maybe I’m just afraid to commit, mentally and emotionally. Or maybe I really just want a reason to believe that’s greater than just my preference. I’m not interested in atheism, and I don’t think I could ever be happy with atheism. But I don’t know if I could ever be happy with Christianity, Asatru, Druidry, or anything else. And I sure am never going to be happy with agnosticism. And I’m absolutely sure that I’m never going back to Mormonism.
I feel more desperate about it than I ever did before, partially because of simply being frustrated at how long this has gone on, and partially (mainly) because of major, earthshaking, terrifying life changes that are coming very soon during which I think faith could probably be a great source of strength.
Sailing to Byzantium 
“I find myself yearning for a catalyzing spiritual experience, but they just don’t seem to happen. Indeed, I don’t know if mysticism has ever really happened for me…
I know some of the Christians out there would say that my problem is that I’m trying to connect to a religion instead of connecting to Jesus, but for all practical purposes that still just sounds like gobbledygook.”
For the record, some atheists out there would say that the problem is that there’s nothing spiritual there for you to experience. 🙂 Not trying to be smug… just pointing out that that is at least a valid conclusion, if not necessarily the only one.
Certainly it’s a valid conclusion. And not one that I merely ignore, for the record.
At the same time, I believe that mystical experiences do happen–even if they are purely psychological. And I would like one. The end.
I still think you might be trying to hard. Just enjoy God’s creation for what it is, stay open to the intuitive and the spiritual. Don’t force God into a box of preconceptions. And don’t beat yourself up over not having a “spiritual experience.” The brain chatter from your frustration is probably just likely to get in the way.
Not that I have any particular insight into your brain, mind.
Forgive me for being stubborn, nosy and opinionated, but…
Suppose you had a mystical experience that – to pick a target at random – seemed most resonant with Anglicanism. And suppose that, despite the strength of it, you suspected that the experience was entirely in your head.
Would you then become Anglican, and go to an Anglican church? Would it change what you believe about reality to be closer to Anglican beliefs? Or would it just be about finding a collection of beliefs that are a good match emotionally, regardless of whether they’re true?
Of course, if you had an experience that you believed came from outside yourself, it would settle everything. It would settle a lot of things for me as well. I’m talking entirely in hypotheticals. I’m just curious about where you draw the line between looking for truth (whatever that means) and looking for fulfillment. Because for me, I could never find fulfillment in something that I don’t think is true.
Any experience I had, no matter how convincing, would come with the doubt that it was entirely in my head. Indeed, an experience that I was sure came from outside myself would settle everything, but I don’t believe there’s any way to be sure that such things actually come from outside yourself.
In theory, belief without doubt would be great. In practice, it just means you’re lying to yourself.
In other words, I’m willing to accept a hefty measure of doubt. But not so much that I’m wiling to simply self-indoctrinate myself into fervent belief (which I know I can do, because I did it for years with Mormonism). I think I need something to catalyze my faith, even if it’s not a 100% reliable thing (because no such thing exists).
I guess the distinction might be too subtle to make any sense.
My advice, just enjoy this life and if you have a spiritual moment enjoy it but don’t read too much into it. I recently made a statement on my belief and I found it to be benefical for me. If you are ready for that it is your call.
Hope all is good with you and I hope you find the peace in your life you are looking for.
“I guess the distinction might be too subtle to make any sense.”
No, it does make sense. There’s a difference between “I believe this but I’m skeptical and agree that it there’s a chance it’s wrong”, and “I doubt this and would need some serious convincing to accept it as reasonable”. And you’re currently somewhere near the latter, and are looking for an experience to move you to the former. (Or did I totally misinterpret what you said?)
That’s a completely reasonable place to be, although I agree it’s a frustrating one.
With all this talk about mystical experiences, Kullervo, you might be interested in this article which includes thoughts from people from contemplative traditions and what some of them call trans-rational religion. Thought it would be up your alley.
Good article, Jonathan; thanks for pointing it out to me.
You’re exactly where I am. And that’s cool.
I’ve had a couple of “mystical” experiences that I was sure were objective, outside myself experiences. Now I’m not so sure. I’d like to believe the experiences didn’t come from within myself, but I’d be forcing myself to believe something that might not be true.
I still view the experiences as “spiritual” though, but more in a Jungian sort of way. I think the experiences I had might have been about my subconscious talking to my conscious. That’s how I’ve always interpreted Tarot, so why not “the voice” as well?
I dunno. I’m frustrated too.
Oh, do a search for the English Folk Church.
And hang on to your jaw. It will drop to the floor. You’ll be AMAZED.
Interesting! Perhaps not jaw-droppingly interesting, but certainly interesting.
Kullervo!! I just noticed that you have a link to Woodside United Methodist Church!!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::TACKLEHUG!!!!:
That was the church I grew up in; my great-grandmother Katie Holladay turned the first spadeful of soil when the foundation was laid for that building that sits there on Georgia Avenue. My father Larry Holladay ushered there…when Grandma Katie died her funeral was held there and it was standing-room-only…Dad and I always went up there to help put up and decorate the Christmas tree in the sanctuary…I went to daycare there after school (I attended Woodside Elementary School, which used to be located directly across Ballard Street from the church, but it closed and was converted into some kind of community service center or something like that…I have no idea what is there now)…
My old house was located on South Springwood Drive, and Grandma Katie lived right over the hill on Ballard Street from the church.
That is my old stomping ground from WAY back!
We live pretty close to it. Unfortunately our experience there was not particularly fantastic. I generally prefer Grace Episcopal, also just off Georgia Ave.
After stumbling across your blog, I was surprised (an understatement) to see that someone else was considering the same three spiritual options as I: Christianity, Asatru and agnosticism . I see in your struggle my own frustration, a desperate desire to find a reason to believe something true.
I have nothing substantial to offer. I only recently found my way off the merri-go-round. I am still not steady enough to present much in the way of guidance. And who knows if I ever will be?
So I will say just this: What you are looking for is important. It may be the most important thing there is. You want real, honest confirmation that what we are taught about God and life is actually true. Don’t settle. But be realistic in your expectations. Sooner or later, something will click.
In the meantime, let yourself enjoy Christmas with your family.
Your “relationship with Jesus” is a reference to connecting to the “Jesus” witihin you 🙂 That which you truly are — the “God” within. And it’s not happening for you, because “within” apparently isn’t where you’re looking. Most religions are rooted in fear, oddly enough, fear blocks that connection. And think about that, if you were to discover that you, the core of you, is “God,” why would you need “them,” all their religious BS (rigid rules, judgement…) There would be no more need for church or their rule over you… That being the case, it works out nicely for them that they teach you to fear. Again, fear blocks you from connecting to that higher part of you. “God” is not to be feared…it is what you are.
Once you can shake off all the fear, really open to the possibility that this “God” thing is within you, that it is you… If you can get yourself to that point, you will begin to have mystical experiences. And once you have just one, you can’t help but continue to have them. Each one strengthens the “faith” in your own power, and your life will grow to be more and more “magical,” and consequently less and less fearful. It can be a long road, but an incredible one, one filled with a lot of joy in disovering that you aren’t so small and “wretched” after all — nothing could be further from the truth. There is much truth in the bible when it’s interpreted as if the reference to “God” is a reference to us, to you… Think “symbolic” when you read/hear statements from the bible…most are symbolic, some literal, some both.
“You will do as Jesus did and more.” 🙂 “Believe and it shall be so.” “All things are possible.” “Be still and know.” I assure you, there is great truth in those statments — I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it 🙂 And if statements there still make no sense to you, reject them — and simply be open to the fact that you are, at the core of you, “God.” And with that knowing, you can discover you own truth by looking within. “Be still and know.” 🙂
But it’s a hellish road trying to pull oneself outta the brainwashing, the bullshit, of “their” interpretation of it all. The fear (“devil” … symbolic), is potent, it has its hooks in you — and, again, it isn’t an easy thing to shake. We’ve all been infused with it, we live and breathe it — and the world we see it the world we’ve created with all of this fear. “There is nothing ot fear, but fear itself.” “Fear not.” Doesn’t it seem logical that that “devil” thing would simply be a symbol for fear? Iit is.
I wouldn’t want to be on any other road — despite the “hell,” (suffering due to resistance of the truth) it intermingles with “heaven” (a lot of joy and peace), mystical experiences 🙂 Fear creates the hell, and fear is all I ever got from religion. Lose the fear, open your mind, move into the right side of your brain just a tad 😉 … get still, every part of you, and listen. Be open and TRUST (counters fear) what comes. It’s within YOU, nowhere else. Promise 🙂
Dove
Have you ever heard of the EFC?:
http://www.englishfolkchurch.com/
Some people attracted to both Asatru and Christianity find the syncretistic approach satisfying.
Oops. Looks like someone else already suggested the site. My bad.
Greetings. Just doing a little blog surfing and came across your site. Have a great new year.
timbob