So, I thought I was going to be sent to Iraq with my National Guard unit this month. Turns out it’s not happening. If you have any experience with the military, you know how things can change at the last minute. Anyway, I mentioned in an older post that I was reluctant to make any big decisions because of the upcoming mysterious, major life-changing event, and that’s what it was. Now it isn’t happening. So life goes on, and I no longer have an excuse for resting on my laurels. But what do I do now?
We haven’t been going to church for awhile, and I have long stopped praying (since it started to seem mechanical and pointless). Do I start again? Do I give Christianity another go? If so, what kind? Back to Cedar Ridge? Back to Grace Episcopal? Just be a Christian on my own and don’t worry about church? What does becoming a Christian even mean? What does one do? Becoming Mormon is a fairly regimented process: you take the missionary discussions, you read the Book of Mormon, you pray to know if it’s true (and get Your Testimony), you attend church meetings, you commit to live the Word of Wisdom and the Law of Chastity, you get baptized, you get confirmed, you get the priesthood, you go to the temple, you get callings, and you endure to the end. It’s all extremely structured. I know how to become Mormon. But I don’t know how you become Christian. At what point do you become Christian? What’s the right motivation for becoming Christian? What does “being Christian” look like?
Do I even want to be Christian? Right now, the answer feels like no. Especially since Christmas is over.
Do I start a candidate year with the Ancient Order of Druids in America? Do I want to? Do I really want Druidry as a belief system? Is it all just New Age flakery? Do I want my whole life to be Celtic-y? Do I always want to be thinking about ancient times and yearning for the forest? Not really. After I’m done with law school we’re moving back to New York, where we’ll probably stay. I like the woods and nature, but I also love the city. I feel compelled to be environmentally conscious and take care of the earth, but I actually think in many ways urban living is the best way to do that (it’s certainly more sustainable than suburban living).
There are a lot of things about Druidry that I find very appealing, but do I want to color my whole life with that crayon? The answer feels like no?
Do I abandon the journey and just get on with life without God and without religion? I’ve been sailing for awhile and it doesn’t seem like Byzantium is anywhere in sight. I’m kind of getting tired of looking for it. My main roadblock is clear (I was nervous about making any hasty decisions with such a major punctuation mark on the horizon), so what do I do? Hinduism? The Qur’an? What?
Sailing to Byzantium 
This is clearly a decision you have to make on your own, and I’m not really interested in trying to influence you either way. I’m just writing to let you know I’m following your blog and hope you’re doing okay. I’m glad to hear you didn’t end up having to go to Iraq.
Thanks!
Egads!
Law School?!
I think you’d be better-off rejoining Mormonism (your last pick, I presume) than entering law school. Much less emotionally painful and financially less-burdensome.
Take it from someone who went through law school and has the unmanageable debt and mediocre paying job to prove it. The substance abuse rate and depression rate for attorneys is higher than any other profession, even doctors (which is the runner-up). The divorce rate in law school is unusually high as well. Not to mention the overpriced tuition, the utter lack of support from career services and the jobs that just don’t pay enough for how much debt you took on. Then they have the gall to not even teach you any practical skills for actually being a lawyer – just worthless theory! Lawyer is not a career path I would recommend first to most people. Especially not people I like.
I realize I don’t know a thing about how equipped you are to deal with law school or how much thought you’ve put into this, but… Do you really want to do this to yourself?
That said… Yes, I’ll admit law school probably was the right move for me. But MAN, does it ever come with some nasty baggage!
Well…
For what it’s worth, I’m in the spring of my 2L year at a really good school. Tuition’s high, but I have an excellent job lined up already. Our career services department is decent, but mostly the school’s name brings plenty of firms to interview week. I’m on the Law Review, and that helped, but I only know one person who’s had any trouble at all getting a job.
For the most part, I’m thoroughly enjoying law school. I’ve met great people, I’ve been challenged (but not broken) in my classes, and I’ve been able to spend plenty of time with my family. I like law, and I’m certain that I made the right choice coming here.
Hmm. Following on from Seth…
If you had to do a stint in either law school, Mormonism, or Iraq, which would you choose?
I honestly don’t know what my answer would be. But yeah, Kullervo, I’m glad you’re missing out on Iraq.
Well David, that, I can agree with wholeheartedly.
As a guy who went solo straight out of law school, I have an inherent prejudice against “Biglaw” (if that is indeed what you are doing). But I found the Law Review editorial board kinda fun, oddly enough. I published a casenote on the legal battle between the Mormon Church and the ACLU over that new Main Street Plaza near Temple Square which was fun to do.
I’m glad you’re getting family time. I value the family time I had during school much more than the better grades I might have gotten by living in the library. Having my wife stop by for lunch daily was helpful and she was glad to get out.
Just wanted to add a “me too” on not getting sent to Iraq!
On the open road… I say enjoy the scenery. While anticipating the next official stop on the trip, it’s also a lot of fun to make an unplanned stop at the largest petting zoo in Virginia on the way… I think there’s value in both–the anticipation and the preparation for the big stop, the searching to find out what and where you’ll be going…
but also the sailing.
Hello!
First time seeing this blog. I was referred to it by Seth R actually as he and I have been discussing religion. I am a Christian and Seth a Mormon.
Kullervo, you ask why be a Christian, what is it like, etc.?
How long ago did you deconvert from Mormonism, and why did you leave the LDS church? What was your experience like “trying out” Christianity?
Did you get involved with any small groups at the church you were attending? Did you seek a mentoring relationship with a spiritually mature Christian?
Your comments about the regiments of Mormonism were interesting. I’ve never been a Mormon, but have a keen interest in Mormonism – just ask Seth 🙂
Yeah, that’s me Fletcher. If you check at the upper right hand corner, you’ll see Kullervo has a few links to his general history.
All of the “About” pages are worth reading, but “What’s Going On” is an index to the major points during the last year.
But to answer all of your questions in a too-fast-to-be-useful way…
I started questioning Mormonism in the summer of 2006, and between christmas and New Years my wife and I decided to go ahead and move on from Mormonism at least for the time being. I’m still technically a member.
I have attended a number of Christian churches, most prominently a nondenominational emergent church and two Episcopal parishes. No, I did not get involved in any small groups, for all kinds of reasons. Likewise, I did not seek out a mentoring relationship from a “more mature Christian” for all kinds of reasons, though I gave it some serious thought. Mostly, by the time I found a congregation (or two) where I thought i would be comfortable, I was no longer sure about Christianity anymore.
Kullervo,
I’ll catch up on your bio tomorrow. You know, I wouldn’t be a Christian if I didn’t think there were good reasons to believe that it is true. I wasn’t born into it, in fact I didn’t except Jesus until I was 27 (36 now). I don’t think Christian apologetics, even the best of it, is enough to COERCE you to believe, as if you had no choice, but I do believe it is a “reasonable faith” with a great deal of persuasion and evidence, and I also believe it has a firm footing in objective history. But the greatest evidence is the personal change that so many people experience. Jesus is in the business of changing lives (as they say, and as I SAY!). Sure, there are some things I don’t understand, I won’t claim to have it all figured out, but there’s enough out there to have me convinced. Inscrutible evil is the biggest intellectual and emotional roadblock I still contend with, but God knows the whole story, and I only know part of it, the “on earth and what I can see and touch” part….
I do not believe every single thing in the Bible word for word, but I don’t believe that I have to in order to know that Jesus is Lord for me, and for everyone else. For example, I believe in an ancient universe and earth, not the literal 7 day creation story.
I have a suggestion for you: Do you have an iPod? Have you heard of renowned apologist and philosopher William Lane Craig? He is a gentleman and a scholar. He is BRILLIANT in my opinion.
Anyway, if you have an iPod, his podcast is called “Reasonable Faith” and I think it’s excellent. Subscribe for free and download all episodes and start from square one. You can listen as you go to bed, go for walks, drive, whatever!! He’ll do a better job convincing you than I ever could.
If you don’t have an iPod, you can just go to http://www.reasonablefaith.org and download his talks in MP3 format or stream them and listen right from the site.
Please, let me know what you think.
PS – Seth said something very interesting to me, a warning: He said (paraphrase) “be careful with counter cult apologetics, because you might not just convince someone to leave the Mormon church, but convince them to leave God all together.” I hope that doesn’t happen to you, but that’s between you and God, no one else. I’m just trying to help… because I know how doubt and frustration feel and I also know what it feels like to “recover” from the despair that serious doubt can bring… it can strengthen your faith if there are good reasons to believe!!
It was kind of an extension of the “We Push them Out and Into What?” post over at Tim’s blog a few months ago. I hope you don’t mind me using you as an example of the path I might take were I myself ever to leave the LDS faith Kullervo.
No, I don’t mind at all.
Fletch, this discussion would be a lot easier to have if you’d get caught up. I know there’s a lot to read, but it will avoid a lot of going over the same stuff again and again.
For what its worth, at this particular juncture I am probably not interested in a Christian podcast.
Kullervo:
I did spend quite a bit of time trying to catch up last night (my wife kept going “what are you doing? Come to bed!”) so I think that I at least have a general sense of what’s going on. It seems to me that you keep flip flopping, one minute you long to know God (or at least want to try), and then the next you are ambivalent towards the idea. It also seems to me that you want good reasons to believe in faith, ANY faith that is reasonable to believe.
I also get the impression that you are so disappointed in Mormonism’s failure in your life that it is going to be very difficult for you to commit to faith. Like one of your bloggers wrote “burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.”
So that’s why I reccomended the podcast. It’s not fluff, it’s honest dealings with honest questions in a very respectable manner from a reputable philosopher.
So I guess that leaves me to ask: What is it that you want? What would help?
Kullervo,
Thank you for this blog. I just found your blog and caught up on what’s going on. Basically, I am on a similar path and have independently come to very similar conclusions and confusions about the church and the nature of God. I was (technically am) LDS, really questioned my testimony in preparation for a mission, was dissappointed, and ended up “taking a brake” instead of going. That was five years ago.
I’ve done a bit of church hopping since, but just out of curiosity because I have to admit, that I’m agnostic. Having communication or a knowledge of the great beyond is enticing, but I certainly don’t know how to gain either one. What I’ve tried hasn’t worked.
On New Years I decided to give the church one more shot, because frankly I’m not totally sure if it’s not true (how can I be?). And the rest of my family are still completely active and my sister, whom I love and respect immensley, is on a mission. (Basically, I have a lot of gentle,loving, mostly unspoken, pressure on me.) I’m rereading the Book of Mormon, have been praying about it as open-heartedly as I can, and if I don’t recieve a confirmation, I’m giving up on the idea. Honestly, I think my sanity depends on it.
Still, I love the world and am glad to be here.
Good luck to you, good luck to me and good luck to everyone on their quests..