On the one hand, I’m sure it looks like I’m going ’round and ’round in circles with God and religion, retreading the same ground and getting nowhere. Sometimes I wonder if that is in fact what is going on, and if I can ever be satisfied and happy. Most of the time, though, I am pretty sure that I am slowly, carefully refining the issues, figuring out really what is at stake and what I think, and what decisions I really have to make.
At the moment, I think I have my religious question basically boiled down to the following ideas:
I’m inclined to think that there is a god, even though I have my doubts. I do not think that god is completely knowable by human beings. I also do not necessarily think that getting some (or even a lot of) things wrong about god is as big of a deal as human beings historically tend to. I’m not sure if god is personal or impersonal, or if god is maybe impersonal but with facets that can be personal-ish. Maybe. In any case, atheism does not suit me. I want both a religious identity and a path for spiritual development. Thus, I want a religion.
I really like a lot of things about Christianity. I find Christian theology appealing. I like the liturgy, the hymns, the architecture, the ritual, the idea of church, the liturgical year, the resurrection. I like C. S. Lewis, a lot. When I read C. S. Lewis, I want to be a Christian. Theoretically, I like the Bible, even though my attempts at reading it over the last two years have been most unsatisfactory. I’m attached to Christianity as a religion, and am extremely bothered by the idea of giving it up entirely. I even sometimes entertain the notion of going to seminary and becoming an Episcopal priest someday.
Unfortunately, despite everything I’ve just said, I don’t think I actually believe (in) Christianity. I like the idea of Jesus Christ as God incarnate quite a bit, but I don’t seem to actually believe that it it is so. I like the idea of salvation from sin through Jesus Christ’s supreme sacrifice, but I’m not sure I’m really all that worried about my sins, I find the idea of hell implausible, I don’t necessarily feel like I am in need of salvation (I feel plenty of wretched, just not necessarily wretched because of my sins or sinful nature) and I’m not convinced that this supreme sacrifice in fact happened. I think that the resurrection is plausible, but I don’t necessarily think that it means the whole package of Christianity is true.
I think I actually believe something a whole lot more like Vedanta, like the ideas expressed in the Upanishads and the Bhagavad Gita about Brahman and everything, the world and people and you and me and God, all being really the same thing. I’m not culturally Indian, so Hinduism as a religion has no appeal to me whatsoever, and all of the New Religious Movements that have spun off from Hinduism in the west are, well, New Religious Movements. Pretty much they are to Hinduism what Mormonism is to Christianity (and Soka Gakkai is to Buddhism), and I am not interested in that at all. I’ve already done aa quasi-cult, thanks. I’m not really in the market for another one.
So I would prefer to read the Bible because I prefer the idea of reading the Bible, but in reality I find the Gita and the Upanishads so much more meaningful.
Also, I find various flavors of Paganism (neo and otherwise) extremely appealing: Asatru, Druidry, the Greek Gods, etc. I feel like all of that would dovetail a whole lot better with the Bhagavad Gita than it would the Bible. I’m European, not Indian, so actually becoming a Hindu is not interesting at all to me, but I think that the philosophy underlying Hinduism and tying it together can easily be applied to any Indo-European mythology. I think that AODA Druidry as spiritual practice, Vedanta as philosophy, and European myth as a corpus of spiritual literature is an extremely reasonable combination, and probably a hell of a lot closer to what I actually believe than Chistianity ever will be.
But, Christianity is more appealing for some reason. And for a lot of reasons, Vedanta+Druidry+Mythology, although it might actually be what I believe, is extremely unappealing. There’s a lack of clear religious identity, for one. There’s no Christmas. Druidry as spiritual practice sometimes seems shallow and empty to me–it is missing the millennia of tradition that Christianity has. There are the social and cultural problems with identifying as an odd religion. Treading a new path means missing out on the guidance of people who have gone before. There’s the worry that I’m really just cherry-picking the things I like. There are issues about the source of morality and the source of values (that I am exploring in another series of posts). And in my head, Vedanta+Druidry+Mythology just doesn’t have the same, I don’t know, pow! that Christianity has. And it doesn’t have C. S. Lewis.
So I know what I probably believe, but it doesn’t happen to be the same thing as what I would like to believe. But my desire to believe Christianity is subtly undermined by the things I actually do believe. I’m not sure how to resolve this painlessly–there may simply be no painless resolution–but I think it is extremely important that I have arrived at (or at least I’m getting closer to) the central question in my search for God.
Sailing to Byzantium 
Hi, I’ve never commented before but I like your blog. I’ve been in ADF Druidry for about a year, and as such I also spend a lot of time narrowing down the issues like you did in this post.
If you find both Vedism/Hinduism and the Indo-European paganism of the Greeks, Celts, and Norse fulfilling, you’ll be happy to know that they are quite connected, to the point that you shouldn’t have a problem relating culturally to non-European belief systems. Ancient people moved around a lot. Read Comparative Mythology by Jaan Puhvel for more info.
On the philosophical side, no one in Druidry is requiring you to believe in the literal truths of the myths, or that Christianity cannot be a source of inspiration and divine knowledge. At least, no one should be. Polytheism postulates multiple paths to understanding the divine.
I also find ancient myths very appealing but I see them as part explanations of natural processes (written in the language of their time), and part good, entertaining stories.
Finally, as for a lack of clear religious identity, missing tradition, “oddity,” etc., those are all excellent points but if you are looking for a spiritual path, realize that you have to invest time, think critically, and have the courage to stand up for your crazy beliefs if you really think you’re right. It’s not as simple as getting baptized one day and becoming a believer, but ultimately your work in Druidry, Christianity, or any other mentally-rigorous path, while hard, will bear satisfying fruit.
By confronting the above questions and many others like them, you will emerge a better person, both in the religious and the full sense of the word. I’m certainly not done developing my path after one year.
Great post. Shoot me a mail if you’d like to talk more.
Interesting thoughts. You might want to check out an earlier post of mine on Reconstructionism in general, where the ADF is discussed: https://byzantium.wordpress.com/2008/01/04/reconstructionism/
What’s wrong with cherry-picking? Every religion does it. 🙂
Didn’t early Christianity cherry pick from Judaism and Greek philosophy/mysticism (among many other influences)? Since then it has borrowed a lot from European paganism.
Judaism had Zoroastrianism, Egyptian religion, and Semitic polytheism. Islam had Christianity, Judaism, and Arab culture. Buddhism had Hinduism. Zen had Buddhism and Taoism. Every religion is a syncretism with innovations here and there and a change in window dressing.
We know a religion is alive and vital when it evolves through cherry picking from the vast body of religious tradition and makes itself relevant to its contemporary context. So what’s wrong with people cherry picking their own religion?
I still think you’re trying too hard.
You don’t really trust religion, so you’re never going to really feel safe and secure with any of them at this point. Religion doesn’t work without faith. And that’s really all you can say about it. If you don’t have faith, you’re not a disciple. You’re just a visitor – no matter how enthused about the worship services you are. And honestly Kullervo, I don’t think you have faith (I actually think you would agree with that assessment – I think…).
As far as I can tell, this middle limbo land isn’t doing you any favors. On the one hand, you don’t have the trust to commit. But on the other hand, you don’t seem to enjoy the role of outsider very much. If your Christmas post is any indicator, you really want to belong to something and have an actual identity. It seems to be really bugging you.
But the thing is, that requires trusting in people and ideals Kullervo. You can’t “belong” without trust.
Without trust and faith, the religious narrative turns to ashes all around you. In the case of Mormonism, rather than seeing a new dispensation, the powers of heaven, and God speaking anew to the earth, instead you wind up with a fraudulent 19th century religious entrepreneur, a fossilized religious hierarchy, some kooky rituals, and a book full of bad grammar.
And it’s unlikely to be any different for any other religion. Without the eye of faith, it’s all just so much human rubbish.
I went through my own period of doubt in Mormonism last year. I wavered around back and forth on it. Then, while praying about it, I distinctly felt like God was laughing at me.
“Who do you think you’re kidding? You’re a Mormon! Get over it!”
And I had to concede God was right. I was being rather pompous and whiney (NOTE – this is my own story – I’m not trying to imply it’s also your story). So, I committed myself to Mormonism and I don’t regret the decision. I didn’t jettison all the unflattering stuff I’d learned. Nor did I hide it or deny it. But once my loyalties were settled, I knew what to do with it. Honestly, I don’t have a testimony of everything in the LDS Church. But I have a starting point. I am a Mormon. To the bone. These are my people, and Joseph Smith is my prophet. Mormon scriptures are my scriptures.
I haven’t quite worked out the strength of my testimony in the MODERN LDS Church (I still harbor suspicions about whether it’s apostate or not). Nor have I nailed down all the theological details – some of them rather important (such as the whole grace vs. works question). But I’ve got a starting point. I’m happy to work from there.
Anyway… if you go into it with a critical eye and demands for cast-iron proof every step of the way, it won’t work. In fact, those who demand that proof precede faith are probably the least likely people on the planet to ever get proof. Faith really does precede the miracle.
If you can’t accept that, then you need to get used the idea of being an outsider to religious identity. It’s not like others haven’t embraced that role. You might do so as well.
I’d have to agree with the major [oints of Seth’s post. But from a nonspiritual p.o.v. Mormonism is a compelling cultural identity. It’s as if you decided to stop being American because of some aspect of American history…even if you try applying for citizenship elsewhere, it won’t really be the same. You’ll always see yourself, partially, as an *American* who’s living abroad. An American expatriate has the American part still in there.
An Ex-Mormon still has the Mormon part in there.
In fact, I think that a comment war you had with something about cultural attachment was the first thing from you I had read, actually…and the argument was something like that.
I dunno. It seems to fuel the idea of TBMs that ex-Mormons trade happiness and salvation for unhappiness. Moving around other spiritual traditions…it sounds like you’re unsure of yourself? Why not be happy where you are now: untied to any tradition?
but getting back to the heart…I think growing up Mormon effectively makes you Mormon. I don’t think this means you must commit to the church no matter what as Seth has done…but I think it’ll be hard to just forget the cultural attachments you have just because you’re looking for something spiritually different.
If you’re not all that worried about your sins, how about death? How does the idea of the end of you strike you?
I’ve spent just a little time surfing through some of your writings. I thought I’d comment because I like it when people do more than just wade through my blog. What I noticed the most is very refreshing. You seem to be truly searching for answers – really looking into the what and why of belief. God says to seek and ye shall find. May today find you enjoying the journey. Each day is a gift.