I referred to myself as a pagan in conversation with my beautiful and sexy wife a few days ago (we were talking about piddly, meaningless stuff like the meaning of life), and she recognized the significance: it was a casual but meaningful declaration of spiritual identity of the kind that I have not been able to make in years.
It wasn’t just a slip, either. I have been thinking about this and I came to an important realization. One of the issues I have been grappling with in the background of my mind is if at the end of the day I basically think that religion and spirituality are highly subjective and have more to do with assigning meaning to human existence than they do with making objective truth-claims about the universe, why shouldn’t I have just stayed Mormon? Wouldn’t it have been easier, after all, for me to just figure out how to reconcile the religion I was raised with than to try to blaze a completely new spiritual trail? My gut rebels against the idea of staying Mormon, but why? I think Mormonism’s truth-claims are bogus, but that’s not really the issue for me (except it kind of is, because Mormonism spends a lot of time and spiritual effort insisting that its truth claims are literal truth). I have problems with the Church as an institution, but a lot of liberal and New Order Mormons figure out ways to deal with that, and the insistence of the orthodox believer notwithstanding, my relationship with the organizational church should not really affect how I feel about the Book of Mormon and the Restoration, right?
So why do I feel like remaining Mormon, or going back to Mormonism, would just be unacceptable? I think it is because I never really internalized Mormonism in the first place. Sure, I internalized some ways of thinking about religion because I didn’t know any better–some cultural transmission from my parent subculture is inevitable–but in a spiritual sense, I was always torn and doubtful about Mormonism and I was always drawn to mythology, the gods, and the spiritual power of the wild places of the earth. As a little kid I was obsessed with mythology. As a young adolescent I stayed awake all night with my best friend on Boy Scout camp-outs talking about Beltaine. As a teenager I flat-out just wanted to be a druid. As a young adult I was absolutely enthralled by Joseph Campbell, the Arthurian romances, Celtic myth, and the cosmic and spiritual significance of poetry and literature.
Yes, when I was nineteen, I “got a testimony” and went on a mission, and began to live a fairly orthodox Mormon life. But let’s not give my conversion too much credit. The coercive pressure from my family was immense-it was made clear to me that being an adult meant setting aside childish things like entertaining the possibility of paganism, and taking Mormonism seriously as the One True Religion. People I trusted and relied on made it absolutely clear that there was no viable moral alternative, that anything less than fully getting with the program meant personal weakness, laziness, and a lack of integrity. So I did what I was supposed to.
But the pagan inside me did not sleep too soundly. As a young adult I was captured by the power of Norse myth, by the dynamic majesty of romantic-era classical music (I discovered Sibelius, and it was love), and ultimately by the brutal, mythic energy of heavy metal.
On top of this, I have noticed a clear pattern in my life: when I have lived out of touch with nature, I have been depressed, unbalanced, and extremely mentally unhealthy. Proximity and involvement with the natural world are simply things I need for spiritual wholeness. And I have consistently had feelings about love, the feminine, and sex that have been reverent, passionate, and worshipful.
The point is, I have been a pagan all along. It doesn’t matter that I went to sacrament meeting every week. It doesn’t matter that I spent two years as a missionary trying to convert people to Mormonism. Mormonism never really fit. My mother and I had countless discussions and arguments about religion and point of view: in her mind the right thing to do was to completely internalize Mormonism, and subvert your entire mind to it, to relinquish all non-Mormon thought as something unwelcome and alien. I always wanted to take the point of view of an outsider, because I always was an outsider.
I was a pagan, and I always have been.
Sailing to Byzantium 
I almost want to say something similar, that I have never believed in God. I suspect that to say “I was always an atheist” is too reductive though. I have always had my doubts, and as you say, never fully internalized all Mormon beliefs.
For me, it feels more accurate to say that an unbelieving part of me has always struggled against the Mormon part of me. The Mormon part tried to strangle the nonbeliever, but could never fully succeed. During the years that the Mormon held sway, the infidel stealthily gathered strength. There came a day when the infidel rose up and sucker punched the Mormon, and the struggle ended.
I have peace of mind now because two parts of me no longer battle for supremacy. The Mormon believer no longer exists in any meaningful way inside me.
Looking back, I am tempted to project my single-mindedness backward in time and claim that was always the authentic me. I hesitate because I suspect that I had an authentic experience as a Mormon, that many currents Mormons are having the same experience. Whatever it means to be Mormon, I was for a while. Part of me really was Mormon, I think.
“As a young adult I was absolutely enthralled by Joseph Campbell, the Arthurian romances, Celtic myth, and the cosmic and spiritual significance of poetry and literature.”
This quote completely reminds me of myself. Mythology has always held fascination for me (especially arthurian lore for some reason), and it’s the loose way of being able to interpret cultural myths spiritually, however one feels would bring the most meaning, is what I love about mythology. If Mormons looked at their own scripture as more of a “mythology” than actual fact, I believe they could spend more time experiencing true spirituality and less time mind pretzling and making themselves sick in arduous prayer trying to “know” if a BoM or Bible or D&C story is literally true or not.
(A fun fact about me: while I was at BYU I would practice divination using rune stones with my fellow Mormon roommates. I only think one of my roommates had a problem with it though. I’m sure I would’ve been threatened with expulsion from the university if my fire-and-brimstone bishop had found out, however. hehe)
A doctrine of Mormonism I’ve always really related to growing up (though not one that is preached from the pulpits on a regular basis) is the idea of the earth having a soul in and of itself. That rocks, plants, and animals all have souls and spiritual energy really rang true to me and still does today. The idea of being spiritually made of the same stuff as other life on earth humbles me to no end but doesn’t make me feel “less than the dust of the earth.” I have always felt more spiritually aware by a serene creek or in a quiet wood than sitting in Sunday school or being in a religious ceremony in a controlled environment like the LDS temple.
I have to say I am so glad I found this blog. I’m not aware of many mormons-turned-pagan (or pagans discovering they were never really mormon). I think it would be hard to believe there are a lot of those out there!
BTW- Campbell would say you have chosen the “Hero’s Path.” The more difficult journey, but the more meaningful one as well. Go you! 🙂
By the way Hypatia, your OpenID thing on your blog basically prevents me from commenting on it. 😦
I just fixed the settings… so you can try your luck now. Thanks for letting me know! 🙂
Interesting…
You wrote:
I don’t see this at all…if religion and spirituality are highly subjective, then it seems even more critical to me that you *must* follow your nose. It would only make sense to stay Mormon if it “fits” you subjectively. You say you had to “blaze a completely new spiritual trail,” and maybe I misread this post, but it seems that what you really did was discover what truly appealed to you and then aligned yourself with that.
I have to agree with Jonathan Blake’s general sentiments, minus some of the excitement. The theme of this post and of the comments here really resonate with me…I mean, even if we are in different end points, the journey seems so similar.
That is so beautiful. 🙂
I’m a “Mormon” and perhaps along the same sort of path that you have followed. I’m very into the Pagan part of the world but can’t seem to leave the world of Mormonism behind. I’m not sure where this will lead me, but thank you. Thank you for this post, it has helped me out a lot.
Fascinating. As a non-Mormon I can appreciate (from a safe distance) the weirdness of Mormon teachings – it almost seems as if being raised Mormon could be a good preparation for practicing Paganism later in life! Not that Mormon teachings are really any more weird than those of the Catholic Church, or the Presbyterians for that matter!
OT – have you come across the Finnish band Unshine? They describe themselves as “druid metal”; they’re not as hard as a lot of the stuff you’ve mentioned liking, but you may want to give them a listen.
Sweet; I’ll check them out. I love the super-hard stuff but can only take it in measured doses. I mean, my favorite band ever is Led Zeppelin.
I’ve lived in Utah my whole life, 95% of my family are LDS, and I had no idea that this is a Mormon doctrine.
Wow.
Just goes to show that there might be something to like in just about any religion. 😉
Seriously though, I consider myself an ‘animist.’ We are all made of the same stuff, some of us just move around more visibly than others.
You will be amazed at how many pagans say they feel they were “pagans all their lives” bu didn’t realize it had a name until they were older. this Roman Catholic girl also realized recently that I’ve been a pagan all my life. Welcome to the club.
Kullervo, as I am coming over from Katy’s blog . . .
Friend, what happened to the power of the Celtic cross?
The one emblazoned on the fronts of those cool ESV covers.
I was a pagan. And that cross set me free.
Oh snap, you pWned me, Todd.
@Kay — http://scriptures.lds.org/en/dc/88/25-26#25
Says there that the earth is going to “die” and “be quickened”. Whether or not that means it has a soul (spirit + body) or means any of the things the Mormon culture supposes today, or was taught in “Doctrines of Salvation” type books I don’t read, is debatable.
But yeah, it *is* an interesting congruence with some pagan thinking.