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Posts Tagged ‘Law School’

The other day, my little boy brought me a clay pot that he had planted a seed in awhile ago and he was concerned that nothing had ever grown in it (it had, but unfortunately we have a mischievous cat that likes to pick at and eat young growing things). I realized that we had a bunch of pots and seeds that we had never used, so he and I decided to just go ahead and plant everything.

So we took down a handful of red clay pots, got out our half-full bag of potting mix, and our packets of seeds, and just kind of started planting. We’re moving soon, so it is not certain that these seeds are going to amount to anything–even if we manage to take them with us, they won’t necessarily survive the trip. But it was an intense reminder of how much I long to be connected to the cycles of life and death and nature and growing things.

I’m not much of a gardener, but for at least a couple of years I have had the unshakable instinct that I need to be. Something inside of me desperately craves a connection to the living world, even if I’m a big-city-lawyer. If I do not get it, I am certain that I will go insane.

It;s not practical for me (for us) to just run away to the backwoods and become self-sufficient subsistence farmers, even though I fantasize about it all the time. I have a mountain of debt from law school that’s only going to get paid off by slaving away in the Biglaw Law Mines. And I’m not unhappy about it, to be honest with you–I am fortunate in that I have found an area of the law to practice that I genuinely enjoy. But I am intensely aware that I am going to need to be connected to nature and to growing things, even as a busy urban professional.

I have big dreams for our new place in Chicago–I’ve been poring over my book (a christmas gift last year from my beautiful and sexy wife) The Urban Homestead: Your Guide to Self-sufficient Living in the Heart of the City and getting all kinds of ideas for projects, depending on how much space and how much access we have to the outside we wind up having when we get to Chicago. But I can’t wait that long: even if planting now is a fool’s errand, it was something I had to do (and it was an awesomely fun way to spend the morning with my three-year-old as well). So we have pots of spinach, rosemary, and sage sitting on our windowsill, where the little monster-cat hopefully can’t get at more than one of them.

We’ll see how it turns out, but in any case, this is definitely a taste of things to come.

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I Passed The Bar Exam!

On November 5 I have to go to the courthouse to be sworn into the Bar and get my license. I will officially be an honest-to-gods lawyer. Fear and tremble! Woo-hoo!

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So here I am in Chicago, with one day of the bar exam down and one to go. Today was essay day, and it was the day I was most worried about. There were a few questions that I just flat-out did not know the answer to, so I just… made up law where I needed to. Also I was kind of pissed that there was an entire essay on secured transactions (about which I basically know nothing), and there was not one single question or sub-question about wills or trusts (my bread & butter). But at least it’s over. Now I just have to get through 200 multiple choice questions tomorrow and an agonizing wait for results to be released in October.

Also, I am writing this post on my iPhone. My beautiful and sexy wife and I got 3Gs for eachnother on Saturday for our eighth wedding anniversary (go us!). She wrote an incredibly sweet post about us on her blog, and you should go read it. I’m man enough to admit it made me testy. I’m a really lucky guy.

As far as the iPhone goes, I usually resent the encroachment of technology into pur lives with a burning passion, but I’m not gonna lie; this thing is awesome. If I fail the bar exam it will be because I got this thing three days before the exam and couldn’t stop playing with it. And the Lyme disease.

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Today I wrote the last part of a take-home exam, and took it to the registrar to turn it in. I now officially am done with the last exam of the last semester of the last year of law school. I will graduate on Sunday, but as of today, I pretty much have nothing left to do but show up and get my diploma. It feels kind of weird–this is one of the few things in my life that I have wanted and worked for even though it wasn’t always easy. Also, I am pretty happy about the fact that I got through in three years without anything disruptive happening. Let’s just say getting through undergrad was a long and tortured path…

Anyway, I haven’t written much here on the ol’ blog lately. I have indeed started another internet fast like Pagan Lent, and I will be spending minimal time online between now and the bar exam in July, so if I don’t comment much on your blog, that’s why (though I plan to check in with my favorite blogs at least once a week). But the real reason I haven’t blogged much myself lately is that I have been busting ass studying and taking finals. Thanks the gods I’m done.

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My wife suggested to me a couple of weeks ago that if I felt like I was being sucked too much into the internet, and I was having trouble breaking my bad habit of just spending the whole day goofing around on the internet with nothing to show for it, then maybe I should try adding a spiritual dimension to my efforts. Thus was born Pagan Lent, whereby I spent ten days using the internet no more than absolutely necessary for school and such. It was fantastic. Although it is now May First (Beltane in some circles), my target date for ending my Pagan Lent, I think I am going to try to keep up an internet-minimal lifestyle for as long as possible, because it has been lovely and refreshing. I will start blogging again, but hopefully I will be able to blog more about real things than so much navel-gazing.

In other news, my latest batch of beer was drinkable as of last night. It was a brown ale, and like Newcastle, it is best drunk not completely cold, because you lose a lot of the flavor that way. It didn’t taste very alcoholic, but after a glass of it I felt fairly pleasant for awhile. I deem it a smashing success; much better than my last batch of over-carbonated light beer. I like brewing, and I would like to spend more time with it as space and resources allow. There’s something about making a thing yourself that is really satisfying on a gut level. Incidentally, I forgot to libate the first taste to the appropriate gods, which seems like a gross breach of protocol. I hope Dionysus will forgive me; I will try to make up for it by offering him an entire bottle in the near future.

I am also trying to decide whether of not to begin AODA training in earnest. As it is Beltane season, this would be a good official-y time to begin. I think I am probably going to go for it, so expect another post with a more detailed report in the future.  For now, though, I have to take an exam, and then report for a drill weekend (as I said to a friend of mine, I will not be attending any Beltane celebrations this weekend, as I will be thoroughly busy worshipping the gods of war).  So don’t expect anything too soon.

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It occurred to me a few moments ago that I am getting very near to (or already at!) the threshold between thinking about paganism and actually practicing paganism.

In some ways that’s not really true: I’ve been pouring out regular libations, saying simple prayers, and making little sacrifices to the gods regularly for several months. But it has been in a very tentative way, sort of still uncommitted in the back of my mind. I want more, and I want to involve my family in it. I want a little more periodic ritual, a little more family celebration to intertwine with my private devotions (which could stand to be improved a bit, too).

I need to be careful about diving in over my head, as I have a tendency to go overboard and then turn myself off as soon as I turned myself on. But I do feel like I am someplace, I don’t know, liminal right now, as I hover between different spiritual states.

May Day is coming up soon. Unfortunately it falls in the middle of my exam period, but I am thinking about using it as a kickoff point for studying AODA Druidry in earnest, and for committing to the more large-scale expressions of faith in my life at the same time. I am working on collecting information about the Eightfold Year/Wheel of the Year, and thinking about foods, traditions, ways to celebrate, ways to decorate. I’m not talking about specific ceremony and ritual (although I also intend to come up with some of that before too long, because I don’t know how enthusiastic I am about the ritual laid out in Greer’s Druidry Handbook), but the folk and family customs, the things that make a holiday feel like aholiday instead of just another day.

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As a little kid in elementary school, I was obsessed with Greek mythology.  In high school I branched out into Celtic and Arthurian lore, and then in college I fell in love with Vikings and Norse mythology, but the pattern is fairly consistent: for most of my life, myth and legend have resonated strongly and deeply with me, and I mostly haven’t known what to do about it.  To emphasize, this stuff has hit me deep, much more so than just cool stories.  I felt there was a transcendent truth to mythology–especially the mythology of my genealogical and cultural ancestors.

As a Mormon, the best reconciliation for this was that the world’s mythologies contain truth but in a corrupted form.  All nations in the world can trace their ancestry back to Adam and Eve, in other words to someone who knew the truth of the gospel, and thus their religion and lore contained bits and fragments of Eternal Truth.  This is a decent attempt at reconciliation, but never really flew for me, especially since myth and legend worked its magic on me on a deep, primal level that Mormonism never could reach.

C. S. Lewis attempted a similar reconciliation in Miracles by claiming that these myths, especially inasmuch as they had parallels or thematic similarities to Christianity, were a kind of “good dream,” sent by God as a kind of mental preparation for the message of Jesus Christ.  This makes a lot of sense in the larger context of Lewis’s work, since he gives a lot of credit to the wisdom of our pagan ancestors and feels that it is applicable to Christianity.  More than once he claims that you can’t convert someone from atheism to Christianity, but that you have to learn to be a good pagan before you can learn to be a good Christian.  That works better for me than the Mormon version, but since I still have significant problems with Christianity, the need to reconcile the two sort of fades away over time.

Since leaving Mormonism and trying to figure out what I really do believe, I have gone back and forth because I have to reconcile a lot of different values, interests, and spiritual feelings that are not necessarily tied together in a neat package.  This came to a head last fall when I went to see Amon Amarth and Ensiferum in concert.  At the time I had been mentally committed to Christianity for awhile–I was doing my best to figure out how to proceed as a Christian even though progress was sort of slow and fumbling.  But I went to this overtly pagan heavy metal show, and it reached deep and struck those primal chords that are always compelled by myth and legend.  I walked away form the concert deeply confused and troubled, because here I was trying to be a Christian, when paganism is, at least spiritually speaking, so much more compelling to me.

So I was left muddled for a bit.  The viable options seemed like continuing on with (probably Episcopal) Christianity, AODA Druidry (still), and some kind of pagan reconstructionism.  The problem with all of them was that I had different reasons to find them all compelling to different extents, but none of them had provided me with an experience that was sufficiently Dionysian to make me want to commit spiritually.  Even my romance with mythology was not concrete or well-formed enough to compel me to some kind of spiritual action and/or commitment.  It was just another inconsistent piece of the puzzle–something that seemed really important but I didn’t know what to do with it.

In particular, the concert left me thinking about Ásatrú and Germanic neopagan reconstructionism generally.  There was something there that reached me spiritually, but for some reason, I couldn’t get my head into a place where I felt comfortable saying “this is my spiritual path.” I couldn’t shake the feeling that 1. it just seemed too much like LARPing, and I wanted to have a real, relevant spiritual direction, not to play Viking, and 2. as compelling as I found it, I just… didn’t really believe in the existence of the Norse gods.

Then a series of epiphanies hapened, that have resulted in monumental change in the way I think about religion.  First, my wife and I watched Battlestar Galactica through again, starting with the miniseries.  The human refugees in the show believe in the “Lords of Kobol,” which, at least in the reimagined series, are the Greek gods–they actually pray to Athena, Zeus, and Ares, and it doesn’t seem strange.  What I am saying is that thei belief in the Greek gods did not seem anachronistic.  It opened my eyes to a kind of ongoing universality to those gods–as a western person, the Greek gods are so embedded in my heritage that it was plausible to see the Colonial survivors believe in them and worship them without it seeming inconsistent or like they were playing Ancient Greek.

In particular I was struck by one scene, in the miniseries, where Starbuck quietly prays to idols of Athena and Aphrodite.  There was something so genuine and authentic about it, and so spiritual and intimate, that it really touched me, and set wheels in motion–maybe the Greek gods have a relevance to me that–as cool as I think they are–the Norse gods don’t?  It made me curious, at least, to look into it more, which led to my next powerful epiphany.

I was on the subway reading Edith Hamilton’s Mythology and listening to my iPod.  For the most part, Hamilton is kind of dry, but when I came to the chapter on Dionysus, there was something about the writing that seemed, I don’t know, different somehow.  Out of nowhere, the book grew vivid, compelling, vibrant, and relevant to me.  And then my iPod–on shuffle–started to play the Passacaglia from Battlestar Galactica’s soundtrack.  The combination of the two did something to me.  It was like it moved me into another state of consciousness, almost a trance.  I felt a closeness to Dionysus, I felt his reality.  I could tell you what he smells like, even.  I can feel in my mind what it is like to be in the presence of this god and physically touch him.  It was amazing.  It left my head reeling.

For the next several months I just kind of let that stew.  It was important to me, but I wasn’t sure what t do about it.  I started pouring out libations to Dionysus, and even to some of the other Greek gods, and it seemed fitting and proper. But I wasn’t engaged in any actual practice other than that, and putting together a playlist of songs (including the Passacaglia) that were particularly evocative of divinity in general and of Dionysus in specific.

The next, and perhaps the most significant event happened months later, about five or six weeks ago.  Iw as studying for a Tax exam and I was letting myself get distracted.  My experience with Dionysus had me looking a little more into Hellenic polytheism, mostly courtesy of executivepagan‘s blogroll, and I was thinking about the involvement of the gods in my life, what gods seemed more real than others, and what gods wereparticularly relevant to me.  I was thinking about war gods actually.  I’m an infantryman in the Army National Guard, and so warfare is a significant factor in my life.  The main war gods of the Greeks were Ares, not a very well-liked or sympathetic god, and Athena, who despite the fact that I am a law student and part-time soldier, just doesn’t seem real or accessible to me.  I was reading about Aphrodite, who I had had in mind recently in terms of love, romance, and sex in my relationship with my beautiful and sexy wife, and I came across something interesting: there is a warlike aspect to Aphrodite.  Some of her names include “well-armed,” “warlike,” and “bringer of victory.”  The more I thought about this aspect of Aphrodite, the more excited I became.

What happened next was nothing short of amazing.  My excitement built and built, overflowing the boundaries into a kind of rolling epiphany, and from there it kept exploding inside me until it was full-blown euphoria.  I felt the presence of a goddess.  It was like being high, and it wasn’t fleeting or momentary; it lasted for hours before it finally subsided.  It was like falling in love with a deity–it felt so warm and my pulse was racing and it was all I could think about.  It was classical mystical euphoria–the paradigmatic experience of divinity.  It was the thing I had been waiting for, and it happened to me.

So there I am.  The way forward is not necessarily obvious to me: I can think of a lot of different possible ramifications for these experiences, and I intend to write a post about them later.  But I have had vivid spiritual experiences with these gods, this wasn’t the kind of “spiritual experience” I had grown so skeptical of because of my history with Mormonism.  I wasn’t trying to provoke these; I wasn’t dead set on feeling something, looking for any emotional condition that I could ascribe a spiritual dimension to.  These came almost out of nowhere.  These were surprises that I was neither looking for nor expecting.

The end result is that I not only believe in god, but I believe in gods.

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I’m taking a class on Jurisprudence this semester in law school, and it is unquestionably the most interesting class I have.  Jurisprudence is the philosophy of law, and the class is taught by a professor from the philosophy department at the main campus, as opposed to a law professor.  All things considered, this is a good thing.  I have generally found the academic study of law to be tedious, although I am interested in actually practicing law.  But this is really a philosophy class, so it’s fun.

An issue that keeps coming up–a core issue in jurisprudence, really, almost a given–is the existence of morality.  This isn’t an ethics class, so we don;t really spend a lot of time talking about what morality is, where it comes from, etcetera, but whenever we talk about morality, those kinds of questions become preeminent in my mind.

Actually, this isn’t just about my Jurisprudence class.  I think about the existence of morality all the time, and for me, it has become my core theological problem.  I spend a lot of time grappling with what I think is the very real possibility that nothing means anything, that morality is a purely human invention, that there’s nothing behind it but arbitrary preference.  That morality does not exist as anything other than a social construct, and thus has no implications for anything other than society (and, well, psychology to the extent that psychology is informed by sociology).  Simply put, if values and morals are culturally relative, then they do not really exist at all.  Thus, the gaping abyss.  I do not buy Utilitarianism.  I do not buy Kant’s categorical imperative (because why should I act only on that maxim which I can at the same time will to be a universal law? ).  They are toothless.  They are inventions.  They have no real weight.  We have to assume them in argument, because they don’t hold in virtue of themselves.

What I am getting at is this: if there is not actually a universal ultimate morality that exists outside of human beings and the human mind, then there is no real morality at all.  If morality or values are not absolute, then morality and values cannot exist.  Any argument to the contrary is, in my frank opinion, complete bullshit.  Morals and values invented by human beings are utterly arbitrary.  Even if they are practical, there is still no pressing reason for any individual to follow them.

So there I am, staring into the gaping abyss, wondering what is going to save me from complete nihilism.  And I’ve got nothing.

C. S. Lewis’s inference of ultimate morality from general human consensus and a universal existence of “ought” is not unreasonable, but it does not convince me.  I think you can rationally infer that since most people think that, say, torture is wrong, then it’s likely that there may actually be an absolute moral principle behind it.  But it’s not a slam-dunk.  Consensus may be compelling, but the consensus can still be wrong.

So there are either absolute values, or there is nothing but the abyss.  I would prefer absolute values, but where are they?  Where do they come from?  And if they aren’t really there… then it’s the abyss, and the abyss is terrifying.  It is total nihilism.  It is nothing at all, but it swallows up everything else.  There is no meaning, there is no truth, there is nothing.  There is nothing, and it is absolutely terrifying.

The easy answer would be “God,” and if I had an easier time believing in God, I would just say that.  but I don’t; I have a hard time believing in God.  My confidence that God exists is actually less than my confidence that Lewis’s argument from consensus is correct.  If I was sure of God, then I could easily see God as the creator of the universe and thus the source of everything–including truth, value, and morality.

Maybe this is really why I can’t leave religion alone, why I can’t just not worry about it.  I have to worry about it, because this abyss is looming open in front of me.

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I’ve been doing a summer internship at a New York City law firm, and I just had my exit interview where I was informed that I will be getting an official full-time job offer for next year after I graduate.

This is kind of a big deal.  Going to law school doesn’t necessarily mean getting a job, and this year in particular with the economy in the toilet, lots of 2L summer associates are really worried that they’re going to be left out in the cold.  I wasn’t too worried, since my firm has a pretty conservative business model and is consistently one of the most profitable, and thus it has not overextended itself in a way that makes the current credit crunch fatal.  I figured most if not all of us would be getting offers, but it’s really nice to know for certain.

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